One of the most intimidating things about entering the world of
wine lovers is wine jargon. The wine world has its own vocabulary. They have
words to describe flavors. They have words to specify winemaking processes. I
am pretty sure they make up a few words they trot out at wine events to impress
and intimidate newbies like me. How am I to keep up with words like
‘malolactic’ and ‘ampelography’? Especially overwhelming is when they put two
words I have never heard together, as in ‘carbonic maceration.’ Can’t they just
speak English? No, because to make matters worse many terms in the wine
glossary are from other languages! ‘Levage’ is French and ‘bianco’ is Italian.
Early exposure to words like ‘enology,’ ‘viticulture’ and ‘minerality’ was
meant to educate me about this world of wines. Instead, I would sit in at
tasting events and everyone was saying, “Oh, the tannins are terrific,” and all
I could think was, “this wine has some bite. I can feel my mouth puckering.”
Now I know things like high levels of tannins in wine causes the mouth to pucker, I thought I would see if I could bring some new, fresh terms to the wine glossary. With a little help from the good people who post definitions on the popular website UrbanDictionary.com here are some newer terms that I would like to hear at the next wine event I attend:
WINEBITIOUS – when someone drinks a lot of wine and starts coming up with random ideas and ambitions. As in, “She was getting pretty winebitious last night. Talked about opening a bed-and-breakfast. Then talked about opening a coffee stand at the exit to wine country…”
WINE CRIME – after a long, tiring and stressful day you pour yourself a glass of wine so you can wind down and relax, but you fall asleep before you finish it.
WINECATION – drinking wine until you think you are someplace exotic. As in, “My car broke down, my dog vomited on my couch and my kid is failing math…I need a winecation.”
WINECOUGAR – a woman who prefers younger, less refined wines. Where there is boxed wine there is a winecougar.
MERLOT – an attractive, older woman that ages well. As in, “She may be 14 years older than me, but she’s a Merlot.”
CHARDONNAY – A girl’s name that most likely explains under what conditions she was conceived; see ‘Brandy” and “Rose.”
Those terms should stump even the most pretentious wine connoisseurs. By the way, Urban Dictionary defines a ‘wine connoisseurs’ as “fat old men from California who contribute nothing to society. They have an extensive, made up vocabulary sound as if they have something important to say.” I knew they were making up words!!